Remember The Real World? Of course you do. The pioneer of reality TV. Anytime I say something to the effect of “let’s get real” I can hear in my head…“This is the true story… of seven strangers… picked to live in a house…work together and have their lives taped… to find out what happens… when people stop being polite… and start getting real…The Real World.” Man, I loved that show. Do you guys remember Trishelle from Las Vegas? She was nuts. Oh, and the loft from Denver? That was such a rad house. I dreamt of being on TRW. So I could stop being polite, and start getting real.
Now this post I will not stop being polite, but I do want to get real for a few…(can I use that phrase anymore this post? We shall see!) Tomorrow David and I are headed on a little tour de USA. We will hop from Vancouver to Los Angeles, to Albuquerque, to Denver, to Farmington (in New Mexico) then back to ABQ before we head home. Whew! I am excited/tired just thinking about it. But there is a part of this trip I am dreading, I will admit.
I am dreading seeing my mom the way she is now, and they way she has been since January. The last time I saw my mom was in December 2015 for Christmas, right before she had a severe decline. At Christmas, she was not the mom I grew up with – no. She was quiet, got upset easily, and didn’t like being too far from my dad. My mom now? She has moments of anger, meanness, and is getting a bit violent. I have heard stories from my dad, Aunt, and sister about some of the things my mom has said/done and I can tell you, it is so far from the Robin we all know. It is shocking, and I have not seen it in reality yet. Everyone else in my family has seen it the past 7 months. For various reasons (mainly 2016 is the worst) I have not been able to visit when I wanted to, or go when I needed to. 2016 has been weird AF. David has been in the ER twice now, I lost my job (on April Fool’s Day!!!! But I have an awesome one now, so there is good in this year yet) David is still not 100% and in a lot of pain most of time, and there are a few other issues that affect us but are not directly my business – so sorry to be *that person* but there is a lot going on I just cannot even talk about right now.
So I am stressssssssssed, and I hate that I am nervous to see my own mom. I hate it. I hate that it will not be like it used to be. I hate that this is happening to her. I hate this for my dad. I just freaking hate it. So how do I, Alexandra, handle with these emotions? By eating. Eating a lot. I have made a new friend at work who went to school to be a nutritionist, and she offered to help a girl out. I had to give her a food diary of the past two weeks and while I am not a health nut by any means, I had really been doing well. Well not anymore. My food diary was horrific. Part of me wanted to lie, to say “Oh I totally had a kale salad with some quinoa in some light and lemon.” Nope. It was more “I had 7 tacos and a bottle of wine and for dessert I had more wine and some chocolate oh and more wine.” I have gained 11.5 lbs in the past few weeks, I feel sick to my stomach most days, and I barely sleep. What a fun time in my life, right?
I am at a loss. I spend each night planning my meals the next day only to have a borderline meltdown at lunch – I honestly feel like I am on the brink of tears 99% of the time lately – and end up across the street from my office eating two massive slices of pizza or shoving so much sushi in my face, the server won’t make eye contact with me. When I met with her today she asked me what was going on. At first I wanted to say “oh just a lot, it is a stressful time.” But then I realized if she is going to help me, why lie to her? Who does that serve? Not her. Not me. Not anyone. So I let it out. I told her what was going on and she was like “Ok, that is stressful! Ok. Let’s get to work.”
I am excited to get back on track, as well as start taking control of this emotional eating. People deal with their emotions in a variety of ways, and after today I cannot stress enough that step one is just talking about it. I needed to stop being afraid that I would start crying in public, what people might think of me, that they may think I am overreacting blah blah blah. Talk about it. If someone who you know is asking how you are – tell them. Hell maybe even tell a stranger, who knows how helpful that could be.
Life is stressful, 2016 has been the worst, but if we have support – and are support, we are going to get through this.