I feel like I have so much to write – but right now I just do not have the energy to write it all out. I wish I did, because I think it might be cathartic for me. I feel, right now, like I am just barely holding it together. At least once per day, I just cry. And there are a few reasons I am crying, and I cannot fix a single one of them. I wonder if that is more frustrating for me than all the stuff that is going on? Is that causing this anxiety and stress and general anger? I. Cannot. Fix.ANYTHING.
I want us to move closer to my family, specifically to Farmington, New Mexico because that is where my mom is. I spent a few days with her last week and it was hard – but to be honest it was not as hard as I anticipated. My mom is not nearly as angry as she has been, and I was lucky to not witness her bouts of rage and anger. She for sure got agitated – but never with me. She didn’t know who I was some of the time, and was SHOCKED when I told her I was her daughter, and that my dad, Robert, was her husband. The hardest part was when she would cry. She would spend hours just crying. You know, that cry before a really heavy sob? I wanted to badly for her to hit the sob part of the cry, because that is the part of the cry that makes me feel better. Maybe it would work for her.
I got to see parts of my mom though still. She has always been so funny, and she made us laugh. At one point, we sat outside enjoying the New Mexico monsoon and I was trying to think of ways I could “fix” all this. So I said out loud “I wish I had magic powers.” She laughed “well, duh. Don’t we all!” That was my mom. That is my mom. I am glad I got to spend those few days with her, but leaving was hard. I got home on Saturday and am still very sad about it and desperately trying to figure out how I can spend some more time down there – before her disease gets worse. That is the thing with FTD – there is no getting better. There are better days, but all in all – my mom will get worse at some point and I want to spend as much time with her as I can before then.
I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot fix this. Any of it. I can take steps to make it possible that I spend more time in New Mexico with my mom, and I can pray each day for peace about being so far from her. But I cannot fix it, and maybe letting go of that notion is step one.